Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
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In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out