I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
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I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Note to self: I am a note
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.