The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
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I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.