I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
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HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.