Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
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I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Rather alarming headline…
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Cat.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit