The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
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What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
If snakes were wide
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”