The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
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Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
and now we wait
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.