I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
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Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.