The photographer’s assistant
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“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot