“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
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Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?