My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
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*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
yea so i messed up lol
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
So that’s what we looked like?
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.