ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda