It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
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Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!