When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
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Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
notice
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
When you let grandma cat sit
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
when u come home smelling like another dog
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.