Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
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God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.