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PhewThe Chosen Phew
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[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk