Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
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Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.