For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
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thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
happy valentine’s day to me
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏