What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
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My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I want this so bad
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.