Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
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Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.