Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
You Might Also Like
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.