Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
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dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
No point crayon over spilled milk.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.