Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
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My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang