mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
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“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Does beer think about me too?
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?