I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
who wants to go expliring
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?