My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
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passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty