*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
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If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Every work meeting this week
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Favourite diary entry ever
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.