There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
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Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
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She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Autocorrect completely socks
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!