I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
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One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.