YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
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if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
(Musicians.)
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party