me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
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We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Easy enough.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.