ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
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“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
She: I like Cats
He:
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Festive toon…
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.