I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
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Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
when you order from DoorDastardly
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.