Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
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Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?