Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
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Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.