The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
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Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
I’m ready for Halloween this year
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
✌🏽
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since