My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
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brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Roses are red, you always mattered,
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.