Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
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Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem