ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
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[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
A huge thanks to the person that did this
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Still laughing at this stupid meme
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh