Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
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Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
oh good, now I can stop drinking
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!