I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
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“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing