Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
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[adds another nod to the conversation]
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
i hate you platonically
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
then why did i get this email
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Lmao
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut