Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
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Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
*mops up wine with cat*
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
is this a threat
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.