My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
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parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.