“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
You Might Also Like
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people