Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
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Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
For the ones in the back.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]