*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
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The check engine light came on inside my oven.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
how to have an accident 101
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me