If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
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You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
181.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down