You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
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Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?