It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
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I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”